Commenting: A Helpful Guide
By " by Doctor Dengler, PhP. (Doctorate in Pervertology)"
Warning: Much of this content is not to be taken serious given the fact that the writer is inebriated with some harmful spirits. But at the same time it is Food for Thought.
Commenting can be a nasty business for the anti-social, the shy, and easily intimidated. Sometimes I wonder why these people have journals in the first place but then I realize I've turned into the dreaded Shitty Commenter. So in an effort to be somewhat helpful and contribute to this community we call Must Be Pop (AKA: Slowly But Surely Going Down The Shitter), I bring some trips and tricks of commenting for the Horribly Shy and Those Who Are Safe Within Their Tight Circle Of Friends. Yeah, try writing that with proper caps three times after two glasses of wine, a Lemon Drop shot, and a Tequila-only Margarita and a laptop that's suffered some minor damage following a gin spill incident, GODDAMMIT.
1. Reply, reply, reply. Reply to every comment to your update. If someone shows some interest in you or your update, show them the same respect. Ignoring comments only leads to private im's containing the words "that asshole never responded to my comment." Been there, done that. Both ways. There's some kind of joke of being bisexual but this is not a sexual update.
2. Effort. If someone clearly put some effort into their update, please put some effort into your comment. "I like your music, icon, mood, etc" are unacceptable comments for an epic post and only leads to private im's containing the words "Goddammit I busted my ass off on this update and he/she said shit."
3. Make a Plan. Commit yourself to comment to someone new at least once a week. If you're that lazy then try at least once a month. This helps in widening your circle of friends and you can finally justify having 200 people on your friends list. We always whine about being busy, intimidated, small circle of BLAH BLAH BLAH... GET OVER IT ALREADY. Enough with the "I did a friends list cut because we never talk." You're just as guilty so get off your equally lazy ass and do something besides making lame and public attempts at making your friends list Elite. No one here is elite. Elite has become synonymous to lazy and that is unacceptable abuse to the English Language.
4. Are you lazy or disinterested? Don't wait a week to reply to comments. Good lord, I really don't give a shit about someone's reply to my comment a week later. It's one more email I have to delete out of my inbox. If you make an update why do you disappear for a week? Unless your update is Cryptic and Directed At Someone In Particular, you really have no excuse to let comments sit and rot in your update. See #1 promptly and apply for a Time Management Readjustment.
5. Don't be a rude bastard. If someone comments regularly to your journal but you don't comment to theirs... well, you are what I call a Complete Asshole. I am a Complete Asshole but at least I look good being a Grade-A Asshole. People don't publicly call me an asshole because they're jealous of my combat boots. And I don't see a therapist and take Xanax because I'm soft as a bunny. This is my way of saying, " do as I say, not as I do."
6. Another helpful plan. If you say to yourself and others, "I'm a lousy commenter" then congratulations on being non-cryptic. Do something about it rather than going around and stating your Ultimate Truth. I used to try to comment to at least three updates a day to people who aren't on my list of close friends. I know this is hard because sometimes there is utter crap in which case it's okay to take a day off. But if you make something a habit then it will become a natural part of your day, like peeing or staring at the wall wondering what to update about or uploading all your shitty music to Yousendit. Okay, that last statement was a little unfair because some of you have good taste in music. Not great. Great goes to three people that I know.
7. Spellcheck. LJ makes it easy to spellcheck your comments. There's a lovely little button called "Check spelling during preview." Use it. You'd be surprised at how many typos occur in comments. Well, some of us aren't surprised.
And now that I've completely alienated the 200 people (199, I have myself friended) on my friends list, live long and comment.
