Las Vegas, NV (A Visitor's Guide)
By "Matt Nathanson"
"If you're thinking about a vacation, may I suggest Las Vegas,
Nevada...The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because for only the
second time, they have rebuild Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back! And you have
the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt."--Lewis Black
This is not meant to be a guide to living in Las Vegas. I never have
and odds are, your celebrity doesn't either. I've just been there too
many times so I'm going to touch on the things that, if your character
went to Sin City, they might be interested in seeing, where they could be
staying, and what they might be doing. I'll even tell you where to go
for your quickie wedding. It's not be all, end all but it's a start.
Arrival: When you fly into Las Vegas, you'll be arriving at
McCarran International Airport. The cool part about McCarran is, as you
land, you can see the Strip and it's really nifty at night. The other
really bitchin' part is that there are slot machines in the airport so you
can gamble while you wait for your flight to leave. I won $130 waiting
for a departing flight once so you can win on these. :-) It's really
your standard airport except for the slot machines. From the airport,
you're likely to either cab it but a celebrity is probably going to get a
limo. Getting a rental car is a little pointless because the Strip is
mostly where you'll want to be, unless you decide to head to Freemont
Street or one of the peripheral casinos. More on that later.
Accommodations: Okay, honestly, there are some scummy, gross
hotels in Las Vegas that probably rank somewhere on the Dead Hooker Scale
but that's not where you're going to be staying because, duh, you're a
celebrity. Even if your celeb isn't really rich, you'll be able to
afford the nicer hotels anyway. The casinos want you to be able to stay
there so you can gamble there so prices are going to be good. You'll most
likely be staying on the Las Vegas Strip, which is what they call Las
Vegas Blvd. This is a map
to give you a rough idea of where everything is. If you've seen
"Ocean's 11" then you kind of have an idea of what this looks like. It's
basically huge casino after huge casino. I have no idea how long it is but
with each casino being about the size of a city block, you will get
tired walking it, especially in 100 degree desert heat.
The hotels/casinos are huge. Just to give you an example, one of the
hotels, the Mirage, has almost 3000 rooms. That's just one and there are
dozens of them. They are more like complexes than just hotels and
casinos, especially now that Las Vegas has tried to draw in family crowds.
In addition to the massive casinos that you most likely WILL get lost in
(they are designed this way so you stay in for longer periods of time),
they have things like restaurants, massive buffets, zoos, dolphins,
pirate ships doing battle, fountain shows, volcanoes that erupt every 15
minutes, amusement parks, roller coasters, animatronics shows, just to
name a few, respectively.
Some of the hotels that you could stay at include the Bellagio, the MGM
Grand, Treasure Island, Mirage, Flamingo, Luxor, Caesar's Palace, etc.
There are too many to name and there are new ones being built every
year. They have standard rooms that are nice and all but each has
high-roller, expensive suites, so your celebrity can be pampered for a
not-really-reasonable price. Seriously, you can pay thousands of dollars a
night, just for a room, if you're so inclined. It's sort of like something
you'd see on "Cribs" except you don't get to live there.
Other Places: Las Vegas Blvd. is where you will spend most of
your time but it's not all there is in Las Vegas. As mentioned, there are
other things that your tourist celeb might want to check out. Some of
the casinos are off of the Strip, such as the Rio, Hard Rock Casino, and
The Palms, as well as the smaller ones that have better pay-outs on the
gaming. It's better to cab or limo than to walk. Freemont Street is the
other tourist-y thing to see, down a ways from the Strip. Their big
draw, besides the casinos, of course, is now a dome of lights that covers
a section of the street. Worth seeing once, but not repeatedly. You can
head to the Hoover Dam if dams are your thing and helicopter rides to
the Grand Canyon are also offered.
Gambling: It's what Las Vegas lives on. The mind boggles at how
much money is spent on this on Las Vegas annually. If you're there,
you'll want to put some money in the slots or sit down to play some poker
or blackjack. You can bet anything from pennies in penny slots--if
you're over 90, this is the place to hang out!--to hundreds or thousands
per hand at the tables. If you bet, though, expect to lose. Odds are if
your celebrity is going to gamble, they will come out down or even.
Sometimes you get lucky, but not everyone does. It's unrealistic to have
your celebrity win thousands on every swing through Las Vegas.
What Are You Doing There? Are you there for work or play? If
you're a musician there on tour, you're likely to be playing at somewhere
like the House of Blues or The Joint, which is located in the Hard
Rock, a little ways off the strip. The Joint is a really slick venue and my
favorite of the ones I've been to. You can see a 360 degree view of the
hotel on the website for the Hard Rock Casino and you will see that
it's just gorgeous. The House of Blues is always cool in any city that you
go to. Bigger acts like U2 will play at the MGM Grand's Garden Grand
Arena.
If you're there just for fun, most of the hotels have night clubs in
them--such as Risque, Curve, Light, Caramel and Drai's--that are as
trendy as your celebrity. There are a plethora of strip clubs in Las Vegas
if that's your thing. Cheetahs is probably the most well known one. If
you saw "Showgirls"--and god help you if you did--you have an idea of
what this place is like since that's where the stripper scenes were
filmed. It's only topless, not fully nude, in case you were wondering. I
know that you were. Anyway, if tops-on is more your thing, the New York,
New York has a version of the "Coyote Ugly" bar from the movie, if you
feel the need to dance on the bar for free shots.
If you're looking for that brand new outfit or those shoes to match
your dress, you'll need to go shopping. If you're looking for high class,
upscale, the Caesar's Palace Forum Shops, the Grand Canal Shops over at
the Venetian, and the Via Bellagio shops are the places to go.
If you're a little thriftier and are more into Aerosmith than Armani,
the Forum Shops has a bitchin' Virgin Megastore for all of your
entertainment needs. I think there's a Gap there, too. Basically, there's a
little for everyone there.
So You're Looking to get Married: Las Vegas quickie marriages
really are all the rage, aren't they? To get married in Vegas, you just
need a license--and they're easy to get with a driver's license, $50 and
ten minutes--and a place to get married. No blood test, no waiting
period. If you want a nice wedding, the casinos offer wedding packages and
you can get married on their grounds. The Flamingo has a really
beautiful outdoor area full of trees and waterfalls to make your wedding
pictures look great and the chapels at the Bellagio are gorgeous.
If you want something quick, cheap and don't want to leave your car,
there are places like The Little White Wedding Chapel, located a ways
down on Las Vegas Blvd. They have an Elvis that can serenade you as well
as a drive-thru "tunnel"; complete with cheesy painted cherubs on the
ceiling that will only set you back $40. It's sort of like going to
McDonald's and instead of ordering a Big Mac, you order up a lifetime of
commitment.
Miscellaneous Stuff:
Literature Lizards: Look, prostitution is legal in the state of
Nevada. And boy howdy, do they like letting you know! Much to the
annoyance of the big hotels that like their squeaky clean image, as you walk down Las Vegas Blvd, you'll encounter people handing out pamphlets for
strippers, call girls and phone sex. A sure bet if your celebrity goes
on a drunken bender and likes cavorting with strange women. If you're
looking for a good time, call....
IMPORTANT EDIT: However, prostitution is illegal in any county exceeding 400,000 people. Clark County, where Las Vegas is (along with Henderson or Boulder City and a few other smaller towns), obviously goes over the limit so it isn't legal there. There's some places right outside Clark County where people are known to go and pick someone up, but that's about as far as it goes. Of course you probably can find hookers everywhere hahahaha, but police probably find people a lot of the time, so you might want to avoid getting your celebrity into trouble. (thanks to Natalie Appleton for this important bit of information).
Weather: Depending on when you go, it can be pretty comfortable
or a sauna. It's a desert so it's dry heat without a whole ton of
humidity in the summer. In those months, you'll get sweaty and hot walking
so do yourself a favor and stop in somewhere to get a margarita by the
yard. No one cares if you drink it on the street.
24/7:Nothing closes. The casinos and bars are open around the
clock. If you want a chocolate donut with sprinkles at three in the
morning after coming down from a hangover--not that I'm speaking from
experience--then by god, you will be able to find a place that sells
chocolate donuts with sprinkles!
Smoking: Las Vegas is really smoker friendly and unlike some
cities now, you can still light up at the bar.
Eats: There are too many restaurants in Las Vegas to really go
into detail here. If there is a certain kind of cuisine you like, you'll
be able to find it. African, Cajun, Indian, Chinese, Thai, Greek,
Hawaiian, Italian, just to name a few. If you lose big at the tables, there
is a big Denny's on the Las Vegas Blvd. so your celeb doesn't have to
go hungry.
21: To really enjoy Las Vegas, your celebrity should really be
21 or over. I'm sure they could get away with drinking under-age but the
Nevada Gaming Commission is strict that you have to be 21 or older to
play any of the casino games.
That's all I have. It's not comprehensive of everything there is in Las
Vegas, despite clocking in at almost 4 pages, but it gives you a rough
idea of what to expect as a MBP tourist.
